Ask Master Hand
by RJ49er
Summary: Learn the answers to many asked SSB questions through the maker of the Smashverse, himself. Trust me, you'll find his answers quite... interesting.
1. EP0: Preview

_Author Note: Hey, everybody, my name is RJ49er, and welcome to a little preview for a possible new series I am coming up with called "Ask Master Hand", here is an interactive fanfic where Master Hand will go through any questions about Super Smash Bros. that people submit and give… interesting answers to such questions. I want to make this little preview, so I can see opinions on whether they like this or not, so I could make more of these. I also want to make this so that people can automatically submit their SSB questions that I can use for the next possible episode. Hopefully, you'll enjoy this… oh, and this was inspired by "Ask That Guy with the Glasses"._

**Ask Master Hand**

**Episode 0- Preview**

**Master Hand: **Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to a special preview of my new show, Ask Master Hand. In this show, I will be asking all your SSB-related questions and give my responses to them, because let's face who wouldn't want to know some behind-the-scene facts from the guy that made the Smashverse. So, let's begin with the questions, shall we?

**-Why isn't Mega-Man in an SSB Game yet?—**

**Master Hand: **Very interesting question. You see we wanted Mega-Man to be in a Super Smash game ever since the idea came along to make a Super Smash Bros. game. However, when we gathered everybody that will be in the game's roster, we realized something… Mega-Man was an asshole. I mean who would always cheat in battles by using his upgrades, always whine whenever he lost, and at one point, he wanted to the poster boy for the entire franchise. Now, Mario was of course pissed off at the suggestion and several fights arose from that. So, we finally realized that Mega-Man just couldn't be in the games and will probably never make an appearance ever… also, because the people at Capcom are just dicks who won't give us the rights.

**-Wow, you are such a wimp. I mean you honestly were beat by some glowing blue loser in the Subspace Emissionary.-**

**Master Hand:** HAHAHAHA… you honestly thought the events of Subspace were actually canon, you stupid little ass. No, the Subspace Emissionary wasn't ever real; it was just a drug fantasy that Masahiro Sakurai had that somehow got into Brawl. I mean I, the great Master Hand, losing to some gay sentient being is just too farfetched to believe.

**Off-screen Voice: **I beg to differ.

(Master Hand turns around and sees Tabuu right behind him)

**Tabuu: **Let's really see who would really win in a battle.

**Master Hand: **OK… but you'll regret it.

(Tabuu and Master Hand charge at each other)

…

(A couple of minutes later, Master Hand appears with blood all over his… body)

**Master Hand: **Sorry for the delay, I had to take out the trash.

**-Is Captain Falcon gay?-**

**Master Hand: **Actually despite popular beliefs, No. Captain Falcon is not gay. He is as straight as a straight man can be. In actuality, he wears all that tight leather and grabs guy's skirts because he is pretending to be gay and Captain Falcon is QUITE good at pretending. Now I know what you're thinking, why would Captain Falcon PRETEND to be gay? It is actually quite simple really… to avoid taxes. Yes, you can actually avoid taxes by being gay. Shocking I know. The point being Captain Falcon is not gay… he's just a cheapskate that makes Wario look generous.

**-Why is Jigglypuff in every single Smash game? I hate Jigglypuff.-**

**Master Hand: **Well, this is an actual interesting story. You see not a lot of people know this but Jigglypuff is actually a minion of the devil. In fact, all Pokemon are the devil's minions and Jigglypuff is the second-in-command to all these devil minions. Head in command is Pikachu. Anyway, Jigglypuff wanted to be the Smash game really badly, so much so that he struck a deal with the makers of the game. Now, the deal was that Jigglypuff will be appearing in every single installment of the Smash series and if he didn't make an appearance in a Smash game… he'll drag the entire world into the fiery pits of hell. Now I know what you're thinking, if the Pokemon are minions of the devil, what those that make Pokemon Trainer? Well, I'll tell you what that makes of him… a Master Satanist. I hope you enjoyed me ruining your childhood.

...

**Master Hand: **So, this has been a preview of my new series, Ask Master Hand, and I hope you learned some valuable lessons… that Captain Falcon is a horrible cheapskate, the Subspace Emissionary was never real, and that Pokemon are the works of Satan. I hoped you enjoyed this little Q&A and I hope you'll send me your own SSB questions for me. If they're good enough, they might make it in the next episode, but for now, this is Master Hand, signing out.

_Author Note: So, this is my preview for a possible future fanfic series, if you like this express your opinion with a nice review. You can also put down any SSB questions you would like Master Hand to answer in your review. I hope you enjoyed this fanfic, because I would certainly enjoy making more. Goodbye for now, from RJ49er. _


	2. EP1: What Happened To All The Letters?

_Note: I do not own the rights to Master Hand or any of the Super Smash characters that is mentioned in this fanfic. All I own is a computer, a Wii and some broken dreams… anyway, I hope you enjoy this fanfic. _

(Master Hand was sitting in his chair in anticipation)

**Master Hand: **Oh my god, I can not wait to see how much fan mail I'll receive from that epic preview episode. I bet there'll be millions, no billions, no fuck that, trillions. Yeah, I can not wait to get the mail.

(Master Hand jumps out of his chair and waits outside for the mail to come)

…

(Hours have passed and Master Hand is still waiting for the mail)

**Master Hand: **GOD! WHERE IS THE MAIL?

(Pit goes flying past Master Hand with a bag of mail)

**Master Hand: **Wait a minute!

(Master Hand blocks Pit from his mail route)

**Master Hand: **Hey, cherub… where are you going with my mail?

**Pit: **You're mail… I don't have any mail that is addressed to you.

**Master Hand: **Liar!

(Master Hand grabs Pit from his ankles and he lets all the mail from Pit's bag drop to the floor)

**Pit: **Hey, I organized those alphabetically.

**Master Hand: **(Looks through the pile) Shut up, Pit. (Tries to find any mail addressed to Master Hand… however, he finds nothing) No! No! Where is my mail?

**Pit: **I told you… I don't have any mail for you! (Grabs all the dropped mail) Now, if you will excuse me…

(Captain Falcon ran towards Pit)

**Captain Falcon: **Hey, boss, I need to talk you.

**Master Hand: **Captain Falcon? You're working for Pit, now.

**Captain Falcon: **Yeah, he promised to pay me $10 per hour.

**Pit: **Why are you here, Falcon?

**Captain Falcon: **You forgot these letters. (Hands Pit a couple of letters as he immediately run off)

**Pit: **(Sees letters) Hmm… interesting.

**Master Hand: **What is it?

**Pit: **Looks like you actually did have some letters addressed you.

**Master Hand: **Really!

**Pit: **Yeah, here you go. (Hands Master Hand the mail and flies off)

**Master Hand: **(Receives two letters) …Wait, that is it; only two letters. Unbelievable, that preview was perfect… maybe, nobody got the chance to see it… I know what I'll do.

**Ask Master Hand**

**Episode 1- What Happened To All The Letters?**

**Master Hand: **I know what I'll do… I'll record a new episode of Ask Master Hand and send the recording to every single human being on the face of the Earth. I'll surely have more fan mail after this… well, I better get recording.

…

**Master Hand: **Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and let me introduce you all to my show known as Ask Master Hand. Here, I'll be answering all your questions that are related to the wondrous world of Super Smash Bros. I hope that you'll enjoy this episode and hopefully, send me your own questions. So, now let's begin with today's questions, shall we?

**-In the last episode, you made a rather big grammar mistake. You spelled Subspace "Emissionary", when it was actually referred to "Emissary".-**

**From: Anonymous**

**Master Hand: **Oh my gosh! I am so sorry I made that little mistake. Here, I'll change that for you… (Walks off-screen with strange sound effects blazing through the room as he suddenly walked back on-screen) …you won't have to worry about that little spelling error, anymore, because I went back in time and corrected my mistake. So, you won't be angered anymore… but now, Germany won World War II, Billy Mays got the electric chair for murdering Vince Offer, and Jersey Shore is now playing on every single television channel. So, I would now like to say… thanks a lot, asshole.

**-If the Subspace Emissary wasn't real, is anything in the game real?-**

**From: SkullRising**

**Master Hand: **Nope. Nothing in the game was actually real. None of the battles, none of the modes, none of the replays, none of the tournaments, none of the characters, none of the levels, nothing in the game was real. It was all a horrible dream that I had one day in college. In fact, I had a lot of horrible dreams in college. For example, I had a dream where adult men were fawning over My Little Pony. I also had a dream where people were watching a horrible combination of classic horror monsters and tween porn. There was also the dream where Sonic was making out with a human… now, that's just hard to imagine. Wait, what I was saying… oh yes, NOTHING IN THE GAME WAS REAL, IT WAS ALL A WORK OF FICTION! Geesh, I can't believe people don't know this. This should be common knowledge.

**-How do you decide who gets to appear in the games?-**

**From: WiseRhino**

**Master Hand: **That's a very interesting question. Well, OBVIOUSLY, we put Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, and Samus into the game because they were gaming classics. However, the rest of the original roster had an interesting story as to how they got into the game. For example, Luigi was the head of the mafia and he would have hired people to splash our heads into the grounds had we not put him in the game. Jigglypuff and Pikachu are minions of Satan. Captain Falcon was just a really funny April Fool's joke that we forgot to remove. Yoshi, Kirby, and Fox had incriminating secrets on us that would be shown to the police had they not appeared in the game. And Ness… I really don't want to talk about Ness.

…

**Master Hand: **So, I hoped you enjoyed this episode of Ask Master Hand and I hoped you enjoyed it ENOUGH to send me your own questions and could make it into the next episode. I'm Master Hand, signing out.

…

**Master Hand: **That was an amazing episode. I'm certain it will be granting me tons of fan mail… (Goes to a room filled with trillions of envelopes) now, all I need to do is send these babies all around the world.

…

(Pit is shown collecting the mail around the route)

**Pit: **OK, Samus. (Collects her mail) Check, Bowser. (Collects his mail) Check, Mast- (Pit suddenly stopped as he glazed at the enormous pile of letters that was surround Master Hand's mailbox)

**Master Hand: **Hey, Pit, I hope you have delivery this all by tomorrow.

**Pit: **I think I'll need a bigger mail bag.

_Author Note: I hope you enjoyed this installment of Ask Master Hand and get the chance to submit your questions or opinions in a review and hopefully, Master Hand won't need to send any more episodes around the world. _


	3. EP2: PokeSatanism FTW!

_Note: I do not own any of the characters that are mentioned in this chapter. They are owned by Nintendo. Although, imagine what would happened if I did own these characters… World War III. Anyway, let's go on with today's chapter:_

(Pit is still trying to put all of Master Hand's letters into his bigger mailbag, while trying to move the enormous mailbag through his mail route)

**Pit: **(Struggling to move the mailbag) Holy Palutena! It'll take me forever to try to carry this thing, WHILE, trying to get everybody else's mail.

(A rather beaten blue figure, suddenly, appeared in front of Pit)

**Blue Figure: **Maybe, I can help you with that.

**Pit:** You can carry all of these! (The Blue Figure carries the bag with ease) Oh… well, then, I guess you can deliver those letters all around the world.

**Blue Figure:** Yeah, I can… and I will, just to be nice.

**Pit:** Well, thanks.

**Blue Figure:** You're welcome. (Flies off into the horizon)

(The Blue Figure is shown with the bag into the deep dark layers of space. There, the Blue Figure decides to roast all of Master Hand's letters, while laughing maniacally)

**Blue Figure:** HAHAHAHAHA! Try getting fan-mail, now, Master Hand! HAHAHAHAHA!

…

(Master Hand is waiting outside of the house for the truckloads of fan-mail that he'll get from the last episode.)

**Master Hand:** I can't wait for all the fan-mail… I can't wait! (Sees Pit coming towards Master Hand's house) This ought to be good.

(Pit goes to Master Hand and gives him only a couple of letters)

**Pit: **Here, you go, Master Hand! (Walks off to the next house)

**Master Hand:** …WHAT? THIS IS ALL I'M GETTING! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! I SENT THOSE LETTERS ALL AROUND THE WOR… eh, I give up. Anyway, this is still more than I got yesterday, I suppose… I guess I should start today's episode.

**Ask Master Hand**

**Episode 2- PokeSatanism FTW! **

**Master Hand:** Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another glorious episode of Ask Master Hand. Today, we have received some more SSB-related questions, so let's not waste any more dead air and start this thing with our first question.

**-I have been arguing with my friends over the power that is accessed in these Smash Balls. They all believe that is the power is merely unlocked potential that the characters already possessed and, with enough training, they could all reach this level of power, naturally. I, however, am certain that this power is gifted unto the characters by Satan and, by breaking the smash balls, they are making a deal with Satan himself. Which theory is correct?-**

**From: Pokepikachu1 (PM)**

**Master Hand: **WOW! That is quite the question and I'm glad to tell you all… that both of your theories are incorrect. Sorry, Pokepikachu1, but the power that the Smashers are given from smashing Smash Balls is not a work of Satan. Not everyone is Super Smash Bros is associated with the devil. Luckily, your friends' theory of it being "unlocked potential" is also incredibly wrong. No, for you to FULLY understand the true nature of how a Smash Ball works… may I address you to Ask Master Hand's official science execute, R.O.B. the Robot.

**R.O.B. the Robot: **Thank you, Master Hand. Hello, my name is R.O.B. the Robot, the R stands for…

**Master Hand:** JUST TALK ABOUT SMASH BALLS, ROB!

**R.O.B. the Robot: **Fine… (Grabs a blackboard to display to the audience) you know whenever a person smashes a Smash Ball they are given large amounts of energy that enters the body. Then, the Smasher would usually release the energy to cause a certain effect. Now, the effect of the releasing the energy varies between each person. The released energy could turn people into monsters, cause you to conjure up strange objects... or make you high. In fact, you can argue that a Smash Ball is like drugs (bad kind, not the good kind) as it gives you a sort of "high"... that gives you superpowers. (A Smash Ball appears in front of R.O.B.) In fact, watch what happens when I smash a Smash Ball.

(R.O.B. smashes the Smash Ball and suddenly, his eyes released a large beam that seemed to destroying Master Hand's house)

**Master Hand: **What are you doing, R.O.B.?

**R.O.B. the Robot: **EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

**Master Hand: **OH MY G-(The beam hits the camera as a "Technical Difficulties" sign appeared in front of the screen)

...

(Master Hand is shown standing in the middle of his incredibly wrecked house, while breathing heavily in and out)

**Master Hand: **Don't... worry... the house will be fine by the next question.

**-What is the deal w****ith Crazy Hand, is he mental or something?-**

**From: overlordrsh**

**Master Hand: **Aw yes, somehow I knew I wouldn't get through this show without SOMEONE wanting to know about my little brother. Yes, in the past, Crazy Hand did have something wrong with his mind. I'm not sure why he was so messed-up. Maybe, he had a mental disorder, or maybe, he had a strange view on the world, or maybe, he was just dropped on his 12 times when he was young. I'm going with the third theory... however, he has changed. Don't believe me, here is special footage from a recent visit I had with my younger brother.

...

(It cuts to a lesser-quality shot of Crazy Hand sitting in a chair, while Master Hand's voice is heard off-screen. The camera shot is noticeably more shaky.)

**Master Hand's Voice: **Hey, Crazy... how are you doing?

**Crazy Hand: **(Moves dazzlingly) Good.

**Master Hand's Voice: **Are you sure... I mean you went through 15 lobotomies, are you sure you're well?

**Crazy Hand: **Yeah, I'm fine.

**Master Hand's Voice: **Nice to hear that.

**Crazy Hand: **Don't worry, Chowder, we'll be making some Burple Nurples in no time.

**Master Hand's Voice: **...God, I hated that show.

...

(Cuts to back to Master Hand shown in a much better quality)

**Master Hand: **See he's not mental, anymore... what?

**-If Pokemons are the minions of the devil, then does that make Pikmin minions of God?-**

**From: KirbyFollower**

**Master Hand: **No, they're just aliens.

** Are you ever going to appear as a main character in a Smash Game?**

**From: overlordrsh**

**Master** **Hand:** That's a very interesting question because you see... many prototype games were made about me that never got a chance to seen to the public. Now, I know what you're thinking... what didn't any of those games get released? Well, they were different reasons...

_2009- Nintendo wanted to make a cute little puzzle game about me named Master Hand: Master Puzzler. I didn't approve of the game because it sucked. However, I told the game designers my opinion in the nicest way possible... I shoved every single copy of that game up the game designers' ass. _

_2001- Nintendo wanted to make an awesome adventure game about named The Adventures of Master Hand. I approved of the game; it was fun and addicting. I really liked playing this level where I would crash airplanes into very tall buildings. It was going to be released on September 12, 2001... yeah, that level stopped being enjoyable. _

_1999- Nintendo wanted to make a game where I had the power to manipulate gaming mascots into going head-to-head in full-bloody combat... that game become Super Smash Bros._

_1983- Atari was working on a game known as Master Hand Smash where I would be doing all kinds of hand-related torture to some stick figures... FUCK ET!_

_1976- Some pervert hacked a game carriage and made the unholy creation of Master Bait. It was the game where a stick figure used me... for his Saturday Alone Time. It only sold in some secret department stores... however, I found the game. I found the guy... we chatted... and now, the guy can never make babies._

_1972- One of the first games that was supposed to be on the Magnavox Odyssey was Master Hand. It was a game where I would go around and smash these small green blobs that would come towards me... it wasn't made because the guys couldn't make some awesome gameplay._

_The Beginning- God created Earth just so that people would check the amazing game that God made for me. It was called Master Hand. It was the awesomiest thing in the world; people who played it could never put the game down. It never ended and it was awesome... however, God got sidetracked when these two assholes ate some golden apple and God had to deal with some things. The game, literally, went into Development Hell... and has since not been produced. _

Will there ever be a Master Hand game that people can finally have the chance to play? Probably not... but we all can still hope.

**-Why is Wolf in Brawl, even though Wolf and Fox and Falco are mortal enemies?**-

**From: KirbyFollower**

**Master Hand: **Well, you might to be surprised to know this... but Wolf and Fox and Falco aren't actually mortal enemies in real life. No, they're actually best friends. I know it seems quite shocking, but it is true. I seen them in real life doing all kind of best-friend activities like eating ice cream, watching movies, playing basketball and burning down orphanages. In fact, when Fox and Falco learned that Wolf would appear in Brawl, he leaped for joy... and then, burned an orphanage. What I'm trying to say is... those three are sadistic?

**-If Pikachu and Jigglypuff are powerful demons, then what does that make legendaries like Mewtwo and Arceus?-**

**From: Ninja Mongoose**

**Master Hand: **That makes the legendaries the Horsemen of the Apocalypse... except for Arceus, he is Satan's left-hand man and the official deity of the religion of PokeSatanism. (Suddenly, Master Hand's voice started to speak through a megaphone as triumphant music played) These pokemon that won people's hearts and since then, these people support them all the day. They supported them in a way like no over, converting to a whole new amazing religion that is you can all enjoy. This is the religion of the PokeSatanism... THE RELIGION OF THE FUTURE!

(Triumphant music is heard in the background as Master Hand starts singing...)

_We all support PokeSatanism. PokeSatanism for the win._

(Suddenly, an entire marching band appears in Master Hand's house as they join the singing)

_We support PokeSatanism. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL IN HELL!_

(Everyone makes a pose... until Master Hand turns his head/hand)

**Master Hand: **Wait... how the hell did you all get in my house?

...

**Master Hand: **I hope you enjoy today's episode of Ask Master Hand and I hope I get the chance to answer more of your SSB-related questions. This is Master Hand, signing out.

_Author Note: Hello, my fellow readers, I have some news for the fanfic. It's about the submitting questions thing. I decided to add another option to submit your questions... you can send your questions by PM. I decided to allow people to send questions by PM because I realized that some users don't enjoy sending questions by review. So, I decided to give those people another option. However, here is the thing... you have to say in your PM, whether you want your user name to be revealed in the fanfic or if you want to remain anonymous. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope to continue making more of these in the future- From RJ49er_


End file.
